As I sit and talk with people or other pastors, one of the most heartbreaking things they share with me is this: my kids grew up hearing the Gospel and being involved in the church but now, they do not walk with the Lord. That grieves my heart. And some of the people who have said that are pastors – people who preach and explain the Gospel as their vocation. And yet, their kids also have walked away.

Sometimes in these situations, the parents try a variety of ways to get their kids back on the path that leads to eternal life. So, the parents turn to prayer which is great. They also may try other things like: a long lecture, a recommended book or podcast, or a comment at a family dinner – hoping something will create change in their child, only to feel a larger gap widening between them and their child. Often, these parents feel like failures because nothing seems to be working.

We all have someone whose heart we want to change. So, imagine that person isn’t your child. It’s the person you’re married to – that’s the situation Peter is writing to. And for my friends who are not married, hang with me – I’ll show you why this passage applies to you too.  

What do we see? First, Peter is speaking to all wives but he zeroes in on wives with the hardest problem: they’re married to a man who rejects Jesus. (SLIDE)These women have already broken a social norm. They have rejected their husband’s gods – as I shared last week, it would be expected for Greco-Roman Households to embrace whatever religion the man embraced. But, these women boldly profess faith in Christ while living under a man who rejects Christ. Now, imagine with me how hard that must be and for some of you, this is your story and your life. The conflicts within that household would be immense – imagine the husband asking: why do you want to give money to the poor and to that church? Why do you only worship this Jesus and why aren’t you coming to the festival and partying? In that world, a father could order a newborn to be left outside to die if he didn’t want it and often times, it was girls who were left outside. So a husband could ask: why did you bring that girl back in? It’s my decision.

Here’s the other side of the problem: the husbands. The wives likely want to change their husbands but has no power to do it in their current status. Husbands want to change their wives and they do have the power to try: through intimidation and force to get their way. (SLIDE)

When Peter calls women the 'weaker partner,' he's not saying they're worth less — that's why he calls them 'heirs with you.' He means two things: men tend to be physically stronger, and in that culture women had far fewer rights and were treated with far less dignity. Men could get away with a great deal. And men still do this today, whether through physical force or yelling to get their way. Peter is calling these believing men to go against everything their culture permitted and celebrated.

With these things in mind, what are the things 1 Peter tells us that we can’t do as believers?

You can’t argue or nag anyone into the faith. (SLIDE) In verse 1, Peter tells wives that their non-believing husbands may be won over to the faith through behavior, not their words.  When it says “if any of them do not believe the word”, that means that they have heard it and they have chosen to reject it. In our natural tendency, we will feel the temptation to bring up Jesus every time and try to win them over to the faith through words or clever arguments. It’s the same instinct as the parent with the lecture or podcast. We think that if we finally find the perfect words or argument, we’ll finally get through.

Does this mean we never talk about Jesus? Of course not – next week, 1 Peter 3:15 will tell us to always be ready to share a reason why we have hope in Christ. This just means we stop treating every conversation with that person as a sales pitch on Jesus.

You can’t secure your own worth.  (SLIDE) Your value isn’t decided by what other people see but what God sees. This passage talks about “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.” Humans can’t see it. It’s not a personality type but rather, it means you’re not grasping for control, not retaliating, and not trying to win. Whether you’re an extravert or introvert, you can have a gentle and quiet spirit. And that’s precious and worthy in God’s sight. But, what are we tempted to do instead? We try to secure our worth through external means anyways. For some of us, it may be the salary. For others of us, it’s how we look. But, you’re always chasing something to give you worth and it’s always coming up short when you finally get it.

You can force compliance but you can’t force a heart. (SLIDE) These Greco-Roman believers could have used their power to force compliance upon their wives. But, that doesn’t produce a co-heir with you and it doesn’t produce a partner to follow Jesus with you. If men have to use power over their wives, that’s not leadership or a sign of strength, it’s actually fear and dishonoring to God.

In parenting, your children start to act up and a very natural instinct is this: raise your voice at them to regain control of the situation. Your kids may be compliant then but they only comply our of fear, not a changed heart.

So what's underneath all of it: the lecture, the image, the raised voice? Fear. (SLIDE)When we feel powerless, fear makes us grasp for control. We push, we nag, we perform, we give in to keep the peace. When we have power, fear makes us dominate and overpower others. We intimidate, we raise our voices, we force our way.

And Peter shows us the alternative. Listen again to verses 5 and 6:

"For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear."

What’s the opposite of fear in verse 5? Hope in God.

Now, Peter points us to Sarah, so we need to head back to Genesis for a bit. Who was Sarah’s husband? Abraham – the father of faith but he was far from perfect.

In Genesis 12, Abrahm and Sarah head to Egypt due to a famine. As they're about to enter, Abraham gets scared. Sarah is beautiful, and he says to her: "When the Egyptians see you, they will say, 'This is his wife.' Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you." Did you hear that? "So that I will be treated well." Pharaoh takes Sarah into his palace, and Abraham is treated well. (SLIDE)

Then, years later, in Genesis 20, he does it again but with a different King and Kingdom in Gerar. He feared people and didn’t place his hope in God so he allowed Sarah to be taken again after his lie.

Abraham had no power against Pharaoh or the king of Gerar. So he grasped for control the only way he could: by using his power over his wife to protect himself. He put his hope in his own shrewdness, and Sarah paid the price.

And both times, God stepped in. God struck Pharaoh's household with disease. God warned the king of Gerar in a dream. When Sarah's husband wouldn't protect her, God did.

Now, I need to be very clear here. Peter is not telling wives to imitate Sarah going along with that. God himself stopped it. Submission never means following your husband into sin or into danger. That's exactly why Peter says, "Do not give way to fear." Put your hope in God – when your husband wants to lead you away from him.

Here’s what Sarah's story tells us. The woman Peter holds up as a model wife was married to a man who failed to protect her, twice. Her hope couldn't have been in Abraham. It had to be in God. That's exactly the situation of the wives Peter is writing to: they were married to men who were failing them too. Peter isn't saying, "Trust your husband." He's saying, "Trust God, the way Sarah had to."

But Sarah wasn't perfect either. (SLIDE) In Genesis 15, God promised Abraham a son of his own. Then ten years pass and nothing happens. In Genesis 16, Sarah says to Abraham: "The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my slave; perhaps I can build a family through her."

When we’re desperate, we’ll do just about anything. Sarah got desperate. She couldn't see how God would keep his word, so she took matters into her own hands. And it didn't work. Hagar got pregnant. Sarah turned on Hagar, and Hagar ran away. Sarah's grasping nearly destroyed her household.

So here's the couple Peter holds up: a husband who protected himself at his wife's expense, and a wife who grasped for what only God could give. Neither of them could fix the other. Neither could even fix themselves. But, God kept his promise anyway. SLIDE Isaac came in God's time, not theirs.

So, Fear makes us grasp for control, and grasping for control always comes up short. What we need isn't a better strategy. We need someone we can actually trust.

There's only ever been one person who never grasped for control and never used his power to protect himself at someone else's expense. Peter told us about him a few verses ago.

What do we see in Jesus Christ? (SLIDE) We see Jesus as a person who did not have any beauty that would make the world want him, according to Isaiah 53. Earlier in this letter, Peter reminds us that Jesus was rejected by humans but precious and chosen in God’s sight. That’s what Peter says about these wives too – their beauty is of great worth in God’s sight. You can stop adorning or trying to earn your value, you’ve been bought with the precious blood of Christ.

We see Jesus who won us without a word. (SLIDE)When facing insults, Jesus did not retaliate with words. He didn’t argue. He continued towards the cross. And before Peter asks wives to consider that they may win over their husbands to the faith without words, Jesus already did that for you. It was Jesus’ suffering, not arguments, that brought us home and back to himself: the good shepherd and overseer of our souls.

We see Jesus who used his strength, power, and authority to lay down his life for his bride, the church as Paul says in Ephesians 5. (SLIDE) Unlike Abraham, Jesus protected us at his own expense – bearing our sins and our failures on the cross to the point of death.

(SLIDE) We see Jesus who entrusted himself to his Father even to the point of death and his trust was proven to be right because three days later, Jesus rose from the grave. That’s why we can live without fear because the tomb is empty. This is why the women of 1 Peter’s letter could put their hope in God because the one who trusts in Jesus will never be put to shame as Peter said in 1 Peter 2:6.

So because Jesus did all this for us, how should we live our lives? That’s 1 Peter wants us to understand: what will people see in our day-to-day lives? How do we live faithfully in Babylon?

For wives with non-believing husbands, here are three things you can do:

1.      Stop pitching Jesus and the church. This will be a hard one and I can imagine how frustrating it may be to see his passion for sports or work but not for Jesus or to see a lack of interest in anything spiritual. But, for a season, let your life do the talking.

2.    Keep praying for him and trust God’s timing. Prayer is how you can put your hope in God because you’re unable to save your husband, only God can. It may take 1 year for him to come faith, it may take 50 years, or he may never come to faith. But, by pressing into prayer, you will not give way to fear and instead trust that your good conduct is pleasing in God’s sight.

3.    Know where submission stops. If your husband pressures you to disobey God or tries to hurt you or place you in danger, you have biblical reason to not submit. At the same time, wives are inited to submit which means recognizing and placing yourself under the order that God has designed with a husband at the top. Submission is everyday trust to your husband for normal decisions but Jesus still gets your allegiance even when that upsets your husband. And Jesus wants your safety so he doesn’t want you to put up with harm from your husband either.

 (SLIDE) And hear me clearly. If you're afraid of the person you're married to (husband or wife) — if you change what you say to avoid their anger, if you've been hit, shoved, or threatened, if they control the money so you can't leave — this passage is not asking you to stay quiet. Talk to me or to Katlyn this week. You will not be in trouble. You will be helped. And if you've been carrying something from the past that you've never told anyone, that door is open too.

For wives with believing husbands, I’d invite you to place your hope in God, not your husband. Even though your husband is a believer, he will still fail you – don’t attach your value as a wife or as a women to how your husband treats you. Jesus has already given you your worth through the cross.

For husbands, before I share what you can do. I want to remind you what Jesus has done for you: he had all the power in the universe and he used it to protect and rescue you at his own expense. He loves you and he made you his co-heir. Everything I say next flows from this:

1.      Ask yourself: do I give my wife a reason to fear me ? In verse 6, Peter instructs the wives to not give in to fear which means it’s likely that some of these wives were afraid of their husbands. Search your heart and then ask your wife and truly listen. Ask her: is there anything I do that makes you nervous or scared? The way I talk to you when angry? The way I handle money and don’t loop you in on certain things? Then, listen. And if that is you today and that frightens you, come talk to me and we will figure it out together, brother.

2.    Use your strength to serve, not to control: If you know your wife well enough and know the things that are challenging for her, do those things for her. That’s how you can treat her with respect as the weaker partner. I’m not perfect but I know my wife dislikes going to La Libertad to get our carryout. So, I’ll happily go every Sunday to pick it up. That’s small stuff but there’s also bigger stuff like our family’s future finances. Katlyn and I share everything and she’s in the loop. But, I handle the day-to-day budget tracking, savings plans for our kids, and health insurance fun.

3.    Treat your wife as your equal and co-heir. Pray with your wife, talk about Jesus with your wife, and ask her how she is doing emotionally, spiritually, and physically. That’s how you be considerate as you live with her. She is an heir with you in the gracious gift of life that God has given you. You are one flesh, that means you do not get to decide major things on your own. You forfeited that right when you said ‘I do.’ So, treat your wife as your equal and co-heir – that’s how you can live your life in a worthy way that your wife actually wants to submit to you and trust in you.

4.   Find other men. Men’s breakfast. Ask to get breakfast or coffee and go through a book together.

Last thing worth mentioning: did you catch the last part of verse 7? “so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Have you ever considered the weight of that? If your prayer life feels old or stale, maybe you should ask how you’re treating your wife.

For parents who have a prodigal child, your child's faith was never yours to produce. It belongs to God. Hear me, please: you are not a failure. Be ready to answer if they ask, but for now, let your presence and your love do the talking.

If you’re a widow or widower or single or divorced, your value in God’s sight isn’t less than. You are also chosen and precious in God’s sight through Christ. Remember that. It’s not a consolation prize, it’s a true treasure.

For everyone else and for our church, in verse 2 – Peter says “When they see the purity and reverence of your lives”. Peter used that exact word one other time, back in 2:12: 'they may see your good deeds and glorify God.' Same word. So pick one person in your life who doesn't know Jesus. What do they see when they watch you? And as a church: what does Hanover see when it watches us?  

So, my friends: here's where we land. You can't argue anyone into the kingdom. You can't secure your own worth. You can't force a heart. And you don't have to, because Jesus won you without a word, bought your worth with his blood, used his strength for you, and walked out of an empty tomb. That's why you don't have to give way to fear. Your hope is in God. And God has never once failed to keep his word. Amen?